Intentional Stress Challenge: Presence

Progressive challenge series on building the skill that is presence.

TechNOlogy Time

If you’ve read my bio, this story will be familiar.

Some stories are worth repeating.

My first duty station was Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune in Jacksonville, NC. This tour was special to me in many ways, none more than it being what led to meeting my wife.

Mary Kate moved down to the area from Pennsylvania as a newly graduated speech pathologist working in the schools. Being one of six siblings, she wanted to explore a bit while staying relatively close to home as she is extremely close with her family.

In early 2014, I decided to randomly watch March Madness at a local sports bar while Mary Kate, her best friend, and her best friend’s boyfriend went to the same restaurant after a bonfire they planned to attend got rained out.

I can still remember seeing Mary Kate for the first time.

This strikingly beautiful brunette walked by me wearing a Son’s of Anarchy t-shirt and ripped jeans. Her eyes were especially noticeable due to a unique makeup pattern that accentuated her bright blue irises. I remember thinking to myself, “man, that is one hot biker chick…”

Her group of three sat in a booth near the bar where I was sitting. Assuming she was waiting on her boyfriend, I was hesitant to approach. In the thirty minutes I built up the courage to introduce myself, I watched a few other guys take their shot including the lead bartender.

I don’t remember what I initially said to break the ice, and I still have no idea why she gave my nervous ass the time of day, but she allowed me to buy her a drink. We quickly learned that we had very similar professions as audiology and speech pathology often fall under the same major in college. I also learned she wasn’t a stereotypical biker chick but more of a small-town country girl wanting to step outside of her comfort zone and live in a different area for a while.

The rest is history.

We would have dates at coffee shops, bookstores, at-home wine and designs, or simply she’d demonstrate her amazing culinary skills, and we’d talk all night.

As I got to know her more, I fell in love.

She and I are quite different in a variety of areas, but our core values completely align.

We had our challenges while dating but she was the first girl who captured both my mind and heart. Despite adversities that would usually cause me to distance myself, something deep inside me kept insisting that there was something different with her.

Mary Kate and I had our wedding ceremony in August 2016 before moving to the other side of the world together. My next duty station was Naval Hospital Guam, a 24-hour trip that cost $2k/person. We were both nervous and excited for this enormous life change.

We arrived and had an amazing two weeks as we began settling into our new home. I was allotted some time before starting work to find a house, explore the area, and get squared away before hitting the ground running. Even as I write this post, I’m recalling so many great stories within this time period.

In less than a month on the island, we found out Mary Kate was pregnant. This was a welcomed surprise. We weren’t trying but we also weren’t not trying…

They say childbirth is the most common miracle. In the United States alone, an estimated 10k babies are born a day.

What you don’t hear as often is the loss of a child is the most common tragedy. Approximately 10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. That stat is still wild to me. I was simply ignorant to this possibility, especially when we were found out we were expecting.

We lost that child in the first trimester.

Core memories are interesting. I have many because of overcoming adversity, special moments with loved ones, or something especially funny happening. I also have many because of extreme sadness.

I can still vividly remember when she came to me in our house concerning about spotting, when we were delivered the news in the ER, and when we both sat on our couch crying in each other’s arms after a scene in the show This Is Us hit hard on the concept of loss.

By this time, I was inundated with challenges at work. I had also begun training in mixed martial arts and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in effort to become a more capable father. Working full-time and often training before and after work on most days, left little quality time for us.

My primary way of expressing love and support is through physical acts. I’m also someone who has historically struggled with talking about emotions and internal battles for a variety of reasons. I was hurting on the inside and attempting to cope with dialing in and accomplishing tasks on the outside. Focusing on making sure Mary Kate was physically comfortable prevented me from considering how she and we were mentally recovering.

Our relationship suffered. When we were around each other we either used technology or alcohol as distractions. I was building resentment as I thought she was ruminating and making things harder than they need to be while she assumed I wasn’t struggling and avoiding her because she still was. The irony of an audiologist and speech pathologist not effectively communicating is not lost on me.

Where the mind and body go under significant stress is a developed skill, for better or worse. We were both reacting differently to this loss due to previous experience, established strategies, and perceived support systems.

I was becoming part of communities both in the hospital and the gym while Mary Kate’s primary support outside of me was in a 12-hour different time zone.

She was alone and I wasn’t physically, mentally, or emotionally there for her.

It all came to a head one night when we had a big argument about something perceptually small that was representative of how detached we were becoming. It reached the point that separation was considered, and she called her father to see if he could potentially help get her home for a while.

I thankfully have an excellent relationship with her family and her dad is a wise man. Knowing we were both stressed and reacting to emotions, he suggested she wait a few days before making a final decision that he’d then support.

I came home from work early the next day and we had a heart to heart. Mary Kate, the planner she is, came up with an idea that we begin trying devotionals or prompted conversations from a book she had ordered. We could do this in the evenings over dinner and remove all distractions, especially technology and alcohol.

Complete presence in a rational state.

We eventually named it TechNOlogy time.

This practice brought us back to the original dates we used to have. It made me begin to see her perspective in a beautiful way and realize all the ways I was coming up short. She had her own realizations about up front communication and establishing expectations when her needs weren’t being met.

We evolved as a couple.

I fell in love with her all over again.

Mary Kate was pregnant with our daughter a month later.

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Reflective Gratitude

TechNOlogy time saved my marriage.

It connected me with the person I love most in this world during a time that my established habits and coping skills led me away from her.

Intentional presence gave me the best present I’ve ever received - it made me a man that my wife deserves.

I wouldn’t be the husband, father, or man I am today without that hardship.

Our first child’s life had meaning.

This loss provided an essential trial that transformed the people and parents Mary Kate and I have become.

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Presence is a Skill

Now more than ever, presence is a skill.

There are forces inside us encouraging rumination on the past, appeasement of urges, or excessive contemplation of the future.

Our attention is constantly being pulled away by external forms of resistance such as technology and perceived stressors.

Self-mastery is not possible for those who cannot set aside considerations of time and stress to optimize the present.

There may be no more important skill to possess than self-awareness.

Effective intervention is not possible without awareness.

Give yourself and the world the best present by building the skill that is presence.

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Progressive Challenge Series

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